I've really been struggling of late, feeling down and having difficulty just functioning. I had a big disappointment a few weeks back and I don't think I process things like that very well. After a small meltdown at work yesterday I decided to take today to try to get back in touch with myself and encourage some positive thoughts and feelings.
Unfortunately with the day yawning in front of me I didn't quite know what to do with myself. As soon as I wake up the cloud of depression settles comfortably back on top of my head and I just don't know how to escape from underneath it, so I did what I do when I don't know what to do. I laced up my shoes, grabbed Os and headed out for a run.
We did ten K's exactly in an hour and twenty four minutes, which is a new best for me over ten ks, but that's where the good news stops. This run was just hard, from start to finish. My shins were sore (I'm a little tight there lately, need to work on that), my body was heavy, my mind defeated. But I just kept going, because if I did this thing then at least I'd done something useful and could hopefully brace that up against the feelings of failure inside me, or maybe all the nice chemicals running makes would cheer me up. I almost felt like I was punishing myself, pushing myself onwards just to avoid standing still.
I overdressed (again, grr!) in long sleeves and as the sun came out I became too hot. I didn't carry any gels or fluid, because I don't usually need then over that time or distance, but by the time i got back i was gasping for water and my blood sugar was low.
Even now, I'm showered and have some liniment on my leggies and I'm about to have some protein, i feel awful. Sad. There's just no other word for it. It defies logic, as I know that I just have to wait and eventually this cloud will lift and I'll feel better again, but I can't help but think that I can fix it somehow. I struggle with feeling powerless as I think, deep down, that I can fix everything, but all I can do is worry about everything and fix nothing.
This run was pretty off-plan, so I'll be taking it easy this week in preparation for Sunday's 15K run. I may not feel like it now, but I'm sure that getting to my goal and knowing that I trained through these black spots will make it all worthwhile.